I'm sitting at my parent's house eating Crunchy Salty Trader Joe's peanut butter (my fav) and bananas. I drove about 1,100 miles with my mama over the past 2 days to get back to the land I love ... California. My blogs have been sparse lately ... due to 2 things: A, I've not been feeling very karmalized lately (embarrassing to admit after my last post) and B, in the last month, Derrek and I have made some major changes to our somewhat certain life plan and as a Libra ... I have a HARD time with massive changes that happened pretty much overnight ... tips my scales out of whack ya know? He's a Libra too ... but these changes were his idea making them easier to handle. Some I thought brilliant, others not so much.
I'm also a controlist ... meaning I like to BE-IN-CONTROL and when Derrek began making all these decisions to move, not build, buy a house, sell the land, close his business, I started to feel like a tiny bug who had been swept off my flower by a mini tornado with no clue as to where I'd be set down again. (Not a great analogy, but all I can come up with due to car brains.) I felt the same way when he wanted to move from LA to Colorado a year ago ... I went to be with him, but it wasn't really a joint decision. When I feel out of control, it's like I have permanent PMS and sadly, it's usually Derrek who feels the wrath. We've had a rough 2 weeks ... tons of fighting caused by me mainly ... being overly emotional and bitchy. Not using "my words" to communicate that "I feel like Derrek forgot there are 2 PEOPLE in a relationship," but instead, screaming through a deluge of angry tears. So, what to do? How to patch this cut in our love?
I'm a Tony Robbins fan and some of his best advice I believe was this: When you are looking for a partner, soul mate, etc. ask yourself, "Who do I have to become to attract that person? Who will that person be looking for?" Derrek is very much the type of person I've been looking for in this life ... but recently, I have become someone my ideal partner wouldn't want to be with. So I have to ask again ... to remind myself ... who must I be, not to attract, but to keep my soul mate? Of course, I need to be myself, but what qualities made him fall in love with me? Have I let those disappear during my own, internal struggle with control?
Here's my new list which is a little different from the list I made when I was still searching for my soul mate ... this list has to be custom made for Derrek.
"Who I Need to be to Keep Soul Mate"
(a.k.a. who did he fall in love with and where did she go?)
By Lindsay Lorraine Jones
I must treat him with loving kindness
I must respect him, his ideas, thoughts and quirks
I must compromise
Trust him and believe in his abilities to do anything really wants
I must not be his mother
I must be calm
Be honest and communicate my feelings without yelling
I must take time for myself and understand he will want to do the same
Accept that he is messy and likes to stay up late sometimes
I must not let myself be so comfortable that we become friends but not lovers
Be successful in my own right
I must put him first when something really matters to him and often for no reason at all
I must let him be who he is, fully and completely ... if I can't, we're not a match
I must RELAX
Cheer him on
I must be the water, clear, open and capable of flowing over any rocks in the river
Be a thoughtful woman, willing to go the extra mile
I must be confident
I must cherish him, protect him and care for him
Be more selfless
I must live with him side by side, not 3 steps ahead
I must be flirtatious, fit and fashionable
Be affectionate, but not smother him
I must treat him, as wonderfully as he treats me
I must star in my own movie and let him star in his ... so we can co-star in our movie together with a happily ever after ending.