Torn in 2

Today I am torn between two lives, two paths, two places. 5 years ago when I moved to Hollywood, I wanted everything glamorous and frankly materialistic that can be found in LA. Stardom, sure, the best shopping, check, the finest restaurants ... well ... at least they're celebrity filled. I wanted to play on the playground that most people just watch on E! news each day.

When I met Derrek last year, I was feeling burnt and jaded by the glittering city. I was craving something more substantial than a Pomegranate martini at the Standard on Sunset. He breathed fresh Colorado air into my smog filled lungs and it felt wonderful.

So, here I sit today, in my new "down to earth" home wondering why I am SOOOO damn home sick for La La Land? Don't I want to live a pure & spiritual life free from egotistical pressures and shallow worries? I'm currently reading The Way of the Peaceful Warrior and it sure does sound peaceful! But still, I find myself unable to squelch my dreams of working in the entertainment industry ... the very least spiritual industry on earth (beside politics). Yesterday I hiked "The Ute," a hard-core vertical climb, straight up. When I reached the top I sat down on a huge boulder to meditate despite my nausea. I never made it to that peaceful place known in meditation as "the black pearl," because thoughts kept swooping in and disrupting the calm.

Is it my destiny to live a quiet life on a ranch in Missouri Heights, Co (where we bought land)? Should I devote myself fully to a wide array of spiritual practices and become a yogi to find inner peace and everlasting happiness? I'm a 26 year old girl from a 1 stoplight town and I feel torn between man made reality and the ethereal world.